In preparation for Lent

Lent starts tomorrow with Ash Wednesday and it's the season of the Church during which I struggle most with keeping it correctly. Feast days and seasons, as well as Ordinary Time, are easy enough, but Lent is hard for me. It's not hard because of what I give up, but rather because I'm working against my own attitudes for the season of penance. My problem is not that I see my Lenten sacrifices as too hard, but rather, not hard enough.

You see, I went to a Catholic high school and, as it was a small school, everything tended to be magnified. Lent was especially prone to displays of, shall we say, spiritual one-upsmanship. For instance, if I said I was giving up chocolate, the person next to me at lunch might respond that he or she was giving up chocolate and meat. And the person next to that person was only going to have a small loaf of bread that served as breakfast and lunch every day... on and on and on. It got to the point one year where a girl I knew gave up eating meat and taking hot showers and sleeping in her bed for Lent; it got to be ridiculous. When I got to college, I was no longer in that environment, but I still struggled to feel like my Lents were "good enough." We had had it drilled into our heads that we were supposed to "give God the maximum, not just minimal effort," so anything less than complete asceticism felt like it wasn't enough.

All the way through college, I struggled with this feeling of only doing Lent halfway; after all, I wasn't giving up all animal food-products or comforts like hot showers--wasn't I being a spiritual baby and taking the easy way out? But no more. This is the year that I deal with that attitude head on. Comparing myself with other people in this situation doesn't do anything but make me focus on the wrong things; it's not helpful for me to hear about what more Mary Sue is doing because then I start focusing on Mary Sue instead of on the cross.

So, this year, in addition to physical things I'm giving up, I'm giving up that attitude that says nothing I do is enough. My vocation is to be in the world, not to be totally ascetic, but I can offer up my little sacrifices with lots of love, following St. Therese of Lisieux's Little Way. Speaking of St. Therese, the following quote, from one of her letters, sums up my feelings perfectly:

"Sometimes, when I read spiritual treatises in which perfection is shown with a thousand obstacles, surrounded by a crowd of illusions, my poor little mind quickly tires. I close the learned book which is breaking my head and drying up my heart, and I take up Holy Scripture. Then all seems luminous to me; a single word uncovers for my soul infinite horizons; perfection seems simple; I see that it is enough to recognize one's nothingness and to abandon oneself, like a child, into God's arms. Leaving to great souls, to great minds, the beautiful books I cannot understand, I rejoice to be little because 'only children, and those who are like them, will be admitted to the heavenly banquet.'"

Meredith College: Stealing your boys since 1891

Today is Founder's Day at Meredith, which marks 120 years since the college's founding. Lately, Meredith has been on my mind more and more; I miss it more than I thought I would, but not because I have regrets from my undergrad time. I did everything I wanted to while I was there; to use the favorite word, I experienced it all. No, what I miss is the community, because that's been harder for me to find down here in my new city. I love having an apartment solo, but it's strange not knowing my neighbors after 4 years of roommates and hallmates. Lucky me, I'm still doing laundry in a community laundry room, but there are men that use it too, which is obvious, since I'm in the real world, but that's taken some getting used to. This new state and city and school and program: all good things and I'm happy where I am, but I don't think it's bad to look back at all the things I loved about the place I was before. So, some of my crazy, good, bad, weird memories of the 4 years I spent at MC:

Freshman Year

-the security guard who gave me a ride to my first college class (math, yuck) because I had no idea where the building was and I was running late

-our first snow day

-Voice lessons with Dr. T, which always ended up being at least half talking

-Being elected to the Honors Committee

-Working for Dr. J, my freshman advisor

-Declaring my English major

-Fire and Water dinner

Sophomore Year

-Rooming with my best friend from childhood

-Wooden floors in Brewer!

-The time that the pipes burst in one of the stairwells because it was so hot

-Tour with Dr. Fred

-Dr. Fred leaving :(

-Dr. Fred's amazing hand motions to go with the lyrics of the Alma Mater... especially the cyprus

-Charming Evening

-Hillary laying the smackdown on runner girl one night while Hil was in a towel

-My hall that year

-Hannah's and my crazy suitemates--we heard lots of things that year that we didn't necessarily want to hear

-NCHC conference in Denver (also where I first had gelato-yum!)

-Tea for Two, cochaired by the lovelies Sam, Abbey and Lauren

-Studied abroad, thanks to the indomitable Dr. W :)

-ALICE!

Junior Year

-My ONYX!

-The big rooms in Stringfield... also, no elevator. Thanks Daddy

-Started working in Res Life

-Moved across campus mid-year. Again, thanks Daddy

-Got kicked out of chorale and went on a music hiatus-boo Dr. B

-Wrote my bachelor's essay a year early

-Dr G, my advisor, dressed up as the Wife of Bath at the English majors' brunch... she did some kind of song and dance and it was, sadly, not videotaped but it should have been

-Joined SAI: Beta Zetas! Also the ridiculous sleepover in the music building where security kicked us out at 6:30 am because BB was grouchy

Senior Year

-Working/living in the apartments

-Dance parties to Fireflies with Lou in the middle of the night during finals, followed by 2am Cookout runs

-Lou and Hillary introducing me to shots

-Senior Cornhuskin': Go even or go home :)

-Senior parent night

-Last spring formal

-10th night

-Alumnae association inductions (also making Meghan L giggle while leading the Alma Mater because some of us Chorale girls brought back Dr. Fred's hand motions)

-Singing with Encore! in DC for the Pentagon

-Touring the Pentagon

-Linda, Kyndle, Marisa and I "serenading" Drs P & L with our rendition of Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" in 4 keys in the van on the way to DC

-Singing a solo in my final concert with Encore

So many memories and that's barely scratching the surface. Meredith College: From the outside looking in, you can never understand it; from the inside looking out, you can never explain it. Happy Founders' Day!

Favorite things: couch-bed

When I moved down here, one of the best things that I got for my apartment was a chair and a half, like the one pictured above (Mine's green and the bottom of the pieces are a little different, but basically, that's what I've got). I originally picked this as a couch thinking that because it's got a fold-out bed, it would be perfect for when I have company, since I live in a one bedroom apartment. I didn't realize at the time, though, how much I'd end up using it.

On the weekends where I'm home with no company, I generally unfold the couch into the bed and spend the whole weekend working off of it; it's perfect for spreading out lots of papers and books, as well as curling up to read. It's like I'm in bed, but then when I get in my real bed, I'm able to sleep because I haven't been there all day. This weekend, allergies have hit me hard, so I'm spending today and tomorrow mostly on the couch. My coffee table, conveniently moved to the side, holds all my books, my food and beverages, tissues, cough drops, remotes--it's all there. And that makes me a happy, productive, albeit sniffly, woman :)

Happy Valentine's Day: Embracing My Vocation to Singleness

It’s another February 14th and messages about love and significant others are all over my Facebook homepage. The administrative assistant for our department had a rose on her desk when I came in to work: a gift from her husband. People walking down the streets were wearing red and pink and things with hearts on them. My Pandora stations this morning kept playing love songs. All of this could be very depressing for this single girl, especially since I’m not a “dating girl.” That fact probably has something to do with my penchant for being incredibly serious about anything I do: I don’t believe in doing something halfway, so just casually dating someone that I couldn’t see marrying doesn’t do it for me.

Part of me wanted to be one of the bitter singles today, wearing all black and walking around with a cloud over my head, but honestly, I’m not a bitter person either. And then it hit me while I was driving to work on this beautiful warm, sunny morning: Today I ought to be celebrating my vocation to singleness.

I’m not going to lie; it can be very hard to be joyfully single, especially in a culture where it seems like everyone is in a relationship or seeing someone. It’s been several years since I’ve been in a relationship and I can’t remember the last time I went on a proper date. When the girls I graduated with, and indeed even my own brother, are getting engaged right and left, it’s easy for me feel sorry for myself and think that it will never happen to me. I want to be married. I want children. But right now, that’s not where I am. I already have a vocation, though it probably be won’t be my lifelong one, to singleness, and for me to ignore that vocation in order to focus on another that I don’t have and can’t have at the moment is wrong. This season of my life isn’t going to last forever, as far as I know, so I need to be making the most of it instead of desiring marriage right now.

I posted a blog (http://www.patheos.com/community/paganportal/2011/02/11/a-valentine-for-the-single-folks/) on my Facebook earlier this morning. It’s all good, but the part that stuck out to me particularly is this: You honor love when you don’t deceive others in order to fulfill your sexual and emotional needs. That really resonated with me, especially the part about emotional needs; I would add “and yourself” to the others, because it would be really easy to go out and find someone to date just because it felt good to be desired and cared for on another level besides friendship and familial love. It would be easy, but that doesn’t mean it would be right.

I’ve recently started subscribing to a magazine called Tobias, which is a new publication written for single Catholics. This month, Tom Bengtson’s column “faith @work” was about growing closer to God while at work; the three things he listed were to 1) Do the work no one else wants to do; 2) Be humble; and 3) Sole a problem. Reading Tom’s column made me think about what I do on a day to day basis--I may not be in an office, but I certainly am working every day. I’ve realized that I have a choice, every day, to live my vocation in love, just as those who serve the Church as clergy and religious do and as married couples, like my own wonderful parents do. I can go through the motions of doing office work, preparing for classes, being in class, interacting with others, etc., or I can do all those things joyfully because this is where I am in life.

I don’t mean joy as in a perpetual smile on my face either. I mean it in the sense of appreciating the deep peace that comes from following where God has led me right now: to be a student and a teaching assistant, living in this wonderful city and doing what I love. This is the time that I get to practice loving selflessly, treating those around me with love and respect so that when the time is right for me to marry, I won’t be thrown by the selflessness that is required of spouses and parents.

Though today wasn’t a day that, for me, was filled with romantic love, it was a day in which I sought to start deliberately living my vocation with joy. It was easy today with so many small things to find joy in: sunshine, a hug from a friend, the dinner I had thoughtfully prepared this morning, the glass of good wine I had with dinner, the candles lit on my table. I don’t think that it will this easy every day. But in the grand scheme, I know that I, with my beloved mystic Julian of Norwich, may say of my life and my vocation, “All shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.”

I apologize...

for all the craziness if you subscribe through a reader; Blogger's being a bit uncooperative this evening, so hopefully my long post will be fixed and back up soon.

New site design?

I'm going to live with this one for a while. I think I like it, but I need some time with it

My "I love teaching" moment of the day

This semester, I'm a TA for two classes, which means I'm on campus 4 days a week for those classes. They're in the old library building, which is oddly chopped up--to access part of the basement, which has a bunch of classrooms, you actually have to leave the building and go around the corner. Anyway, both of my classes are in the basement, so the windows are at the very top of the room. This afternoon, I was in the American Lit classroom, waiting for the professor to open up her powerpoint so I could bring something up on the computer. I could feel someone looking at me, so I looked up and saw two of my Chaucer students, standing at the window, waving down to me. Kinda goofy, kinda sweet: I got my "awww" moment for the day.